New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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