Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
