i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
