you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
