$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
