you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
