he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Boobs are out for the taking
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
