How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
