booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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