I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
