remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
