I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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