Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
