is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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