be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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