Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
