According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Drunk is a universal language darling
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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