i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
organizing the empties. That sober.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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