Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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