Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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