Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
