Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize