dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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