When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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