We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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