this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
That accounts for only three of the penises
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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