Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
