The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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