I haven't been this sober since birth.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
