she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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