I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Randomize
