Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
