Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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