Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize