Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
