Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
