ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
