How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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