my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
