The maid of honor just puked.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
