Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize