I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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