I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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