i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
