he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
