I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
