Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
