so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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