Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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