i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
