So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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