Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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