Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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