highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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