I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
