Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
